Homophobia in Addonia TV.

This Video resembles some Homophobic acts, exist inside the Syrian Media news channel "Addonia". 

Guy from another Universe.

A guy from another universe

/Childhood/

It has been a while since I wrote anything readable, or thought straight. Always busy casting away the voices that does not belong inside my head. I have never experienced anything this overwhelming before thoughts, imaginaries, and nightmares all colliding into one entity inside me. Sometimes manifesting in a little child’s face, talks to me, drives me to do things I never possibly could do willingly, however, I am still in control within my mind’s attic, all other rooms were invaded by monsters of all sizes and shapes, lurking around the corners ready to attack.

What happened to me that made me fear myself! I really cannot remember much! All the memories I have now linger at a moment once separated illusions from engulfing my reality.

I was a child, yes, I was, I used to be full of hopes and joyful melodies, the world was my playground and the sky was my favorite plate to draw out my positive energies. I was a different child, often alone at the elementary school, except for a time I remember when a boy from another school transferred to mine. We became mates for a while, and then he transferred to another school. It was my first intellectual experience in school. After this sweet taste of human relation, all I can remember is humiliation and blood. I was often bullied verbally and sometimes, physically; I remember one day fainting at the school’s playground and waking up on the manager’s sofa blooded, he sent me home afterward.

I cleaned up what I possibly could and went back home, where anybody would feel safe it is supposed to be a safe haven, RIGHT! However, not for me. It was like a dungeon and the keeper was my father, at that day he continued what the other kids started. He thought by doing that he would create a “Man” that I will be more butch, act in manly manners – according to his image of male person. To be more like my little brother, his favorite. Well, that did not work out well! I remained the same even became worse; more closed to myself to a point I stopped interacting with my family and at school.

Things were like hell and not going in a good direction, as I passed my elementary school and entered the intermediate stage. I became more aware of myself and my sexual orientation, I couldn’t talk to anyone and I felt far away from them all; my family and alleged friends; I thought that these emotions belong to me and me alone. There is no one else in the whole world that would understand.

Two years passed by and nothing changed; bullying got worse, my family did not do anything – not until later I found out why – I do not want to be dramatic, but my life is like a drama series which bad scenes never stop coming.

One day, I remember it was rainy, fiery, and cozy. There was a movie on TV, cannot recall the title but it included a hazy gay scene, despite all edits, still their looks were so familiar and obvious to me. A bad translation later referred to them later as “unnatural” at that night there was light in my eyes again, there are other entities feel the same as I do, may be more than two or more than I let myself imagine. Some might laugh or accuse me of being a fool, actually, I was. With the absence of reference or a way to communicate with others, how could I possibly know in such small and hostile town environment?

The word “unnatural” became my motto. I felled victim in a propaganda I never knew existed, at 2001 I had my first PC with 56 KB internet connection, I was thrilled and it was a beginning of a new era to me and my knowledge, where my childhood ended and another chapter full of journeys and discoveries began.

Scream love, Scream death.

Scream love, Scream death.

Hush, human child!

No one knows your secret.

No one cares who you are.

Don’t try to hide what you hold;

I see the glass shard in your hand

And the paint it made upon your skin.

The screaming redness - your eyes…

All flowers, chaos and pain

Flourishing from guilt

You never asked for.

All the bridges you burned

Never lightened but engulfed

The existence of good self…

Don’t throw yourself to the wolves

The ideas they may plant inside,

The shame they may stitch upon your ceiling

Will grant you fear forever

Drag you down

The road of depression

Decorated with statues of daemons and angels…

Consuming, hurting, deceiving you.

Hush, human child!

This pain you feel

Hidden so well

Throughout your soul’s garden

Fences of bones, benches of hurt

Nothingness is buffering in the stream

Clear boards of glass branching from

Trees of questionable breeds…

Faking your smile, hey, your sadness told

The redecoration in your mind

And the hell-like stings of reality

Making it all not worthy being here

In this mad fabric – all lines combined

Wanting to be torn apart…

All colors and skins – transparent threads

No place for us in this world’s bed…

We are a cursed dread.

Hush, my child!

Just call my name out

Go crazy, shout, shout…

It is a cruel fractured underneath

Leaking out, to reach a sinner like me

I am holding you – all alone

Heart of a child…

Storms of lights…

Cold blackness illuminating

From your eyes

My poetry of nerves…

Shape shifting tears over your flesh

To wash the worst moan.

I am just a stone,

You are the sun that feeds

Come to me, slowly, slowly…

Let us breed “Night”

Give birth to a nocturnal melody

And then die…

For love never comes young

And death takes unborn lusts…

No language to explain it – only dust.

Curse me forbidden love

All stars illuminate thin

Coloring his blooded skin

Damned if I saved him;

Damned if I did not…

Just say my name child

We shall never be afraid again

Crazy, shout, shout

And say my name;

One last time; in this life…

Written by: Subhi Nahas.

Florence Welch Paint.

This is a digital Paint I did earlier this month for my Favorite musical Band (Florence + the machine). Much respect to you...

You can view this artwork at deviantart here.

Unlock My Body.

Unlock my body

It’s me and you

Paying the toll

For present untold…

A cigarette to smoke

A fog to hold…

Your body, uncertain to me

I smell like you;

Your scent calms me.

I breathe you heavily

Your “OH” upon my neck

Ah, stop breathing, and hold me

Even if reversed, I don’t care

Since your lips upon mine…

My thoughts are chaotic and

You are kissing my hand

All shyness, my mind wants more

But my body says: “STOP”…

Please “heart” aid my cause

I want him, I want to

Kiss him back, but I can’t

My body is locked, and

I think; I am sinking down

Inside his naked chest

Of green and gold…

I feel so safe

You feel too warm

I spoke with you about

Things I never dare to

Speak before

With you I am nameless

You can call me anything you want

Call me a love song

Call me any color

Or your peaceful melody…

I am giving in to you

Deliver me to your realms…

Where may you

Unlock my body with

Whispers, soft sad melodies,

And gifts of your heart of flowers.

Tea Cup & Nuts

Tea Cup & Nuts

written and translated by: Nour Maarawi

edited by: Adam Domari

It was a fairly hot night. I was sitting in front of my PC alone, thinking about what I was going to write for the magazine's next issue. Along with many chaotic, random thoughts, I drifted away to a realm of imagination where I found myself in a better world; a world where humans are created to be humans. Where their humanity is not a commodity sold at a marketplace that displays normal behavior behind bars of prejudice and discrimination.

The phone's ringing, which sounded more like moaning, brought me back to reality. I picked up and it was one of my friends inviting me over to his apartment. He had already invited two other friends of ours who had finished their pack of cigarettes. I heard them in the background telling him: "tell him to bring a pack of cigarettes with him".

I was hesitant at first. It was already dark outside and the situation wasn't very stable at the time. But then I said to myself "why not? Que sera sera". I called a cab because my friend's house was far away from mine. I arrived to his building and he welcomed me by opening the building's door. I went up the stairs and he opened a second then a third. We finally arrived to his apartment and he opened the door for me; that was the fourth door. I wasn't surprised, it was very normal considering the situation.

Smiles were the first thing I noticed, and then kisses on the cheeks. Ironically, after all the reinforcements and doors, we sat on the balcony. As usual, I found my first friend in his underwear slamming his belly and showing it off while eating what was left of the plate of fruits. The other one was looking at him with resentment and fear, because the first used to punch him for fun like he was doing with his belly. I sat down and before I caught my breath, I took the pack of cigarettes out of my bag and gave it to them. I saw the light and happiness of their yellowish teeth thanking me for what I had brought.

The pack was opened and the cigarettes were handed out, I didn't take one because I had quit smoking a long time ago. The conversation started along with the smoking. We talked about the situation and politics. We played the roles of political analysts, as if we were aware of all political schemes. Then we became medical experts. One of my friends was studying pharmacy but he always gets upset if you ask him a medical question so we quickly changed the subject. We then turned into religious scholars and started a pointless discussion. My friend with the belly was the leader of this conversation as he was the closest one of us to a religious man, although he wasn't exactly one. Just like the other conversations ended, so did this one.

With sounds of bullets from light weapons, followed by medium and heavy weaponry which were then followed by their big sister, the mortar; we rushed inside to the living room where the evening took a different taste especially after the tea and the snacks had arrived.

When the pot of boiling tea arrived with vapor rushing out of it, it brought with it all kinds of foggy topics. We talked about politics again, followed by human rights and then our emotions and feelings – the last was always brought up by my friends for mockery. I don't know why but I had a weird feeling when I looked at my third friend, who was studying philosophy. He had a strange grin on his face; as if he was saying "I'm going to start a conversation that will change the atmosphere". Of course I thought to myself: "he's going to talk about homosexuality". And I was right; he always opens it for many reasons, I only know some of. Smiles started growing bigger until they became laughter with the pharmacist; but stayed a wide yellow grin with the other two. Homosexuality always brought sexual thoughts to their minds, regardless of the reason of the discussion and where it was going.

After starting the conversation, he cleared the field for our religious friend who didn't hesitate to start saying what he was taught about the "abnormality of the act" without even thinking that he should give a reasonable or logical explanation. Instead he just kept going on and on about how normal vaginal sex was and how anal sex was a disgusting unnatural act. He didn't dare to say "not even animals do it" because I had convinced him a while ago that homosexuality is widespread in the animal kingdom.

But this time he came up with a different explanation. He suggested an animal's sexual behavior was not an innate behavior but it developed as it happened with humans. All of that of course without stating any piece of scientific evidence to back his theory.

I tried to ignore him as much as possible. Even if I had something to say, his words were wrong on every scientific level; psychologically, biologically and medically. I wanted to know what their biggest reason for rejecting gay relationships was so I asked them one by one and all three had the same answer.

They all said that they accepted homosexuality and realized it was a normal social phenomenon. Their rejection was based on the idea of the sexual relation. "How can a man have sex with another man?!" they said with disgust and disdain visible on their faces.

I immediately realized what the reason for their disgust was. They were imaging themselves having sex with another guy, which instantly triggered their paranoia about their masculinity. They're not what can be considered homophobic as they had declared clearly that they would have sex with another guy, provided they were the active partner. Their fear came from imagining themselves in the passive partner's position.

Another interesting point they made was that they had no problem with having anal sex with a girl – a lot of guys do that in Middle Eastern societies to preserve the girl's virginity. This indicated that they had a problem with the gender of their partner, not the "abnormality" of the act. This is perfectly understandable considering they were heterosexuals but it was wrong to use it as an argument against homosexuality.

One of them then suggested a more "modern" approach to the subject. He stated that homosexuals were mentally ill people who needed our help and acceptance to get better. Of course this is also rejected by most scientific evidence dating as far back as the days of Sigmund Froid.

Finally, I sadly have to say that most people, even psychiatrists, in the Middle Ease still hold on to negative thoughts and prejudices against homosexuality, as do some Western societies as well. However, scientific evidence is increasingly denying the theory that homosexuality is  a mental illness or related to psychological disorders in any way.

Written for Mawaleh the fist Syrian LGBTQ magazine, read here.

Children of the Light...

Children of the Light

In hostile areas it is very hard for you to be honest with yourself, especially; if you have a different feelings, visions, and needs… in hostile areas your skin is what you wear, not who you are; but no matter how hard you try to hide it; it is going to come out…

Even through a fabric of a community welling to condemn you if you are different somehow.

In the leaks of social moralities we find ourselves to be not defined; but denied, and without any doubt “defied”…

They say we are: sick, dishonor, and plague of nature; most of us must be shot! When I hear them echoing their Amen, I wonder “are we butterflies in hiding? Or daemons like they say we are?

All I know is we are not different species, we didn’t come from different wombs, yet still we are accused of being a shame, a weakness, and a liability. Is it the fear of the unknown or hatred plain and simple?

As children of the light; we feel amnesiac in the heavens you designed for yourselves, and denied us from… but we are marching through, we are “you” (friends, lovers, fathers, and mothers); yet you can’t hear our inner screams, your hostility made you think “minority”; and chocked us with tears coal-like, putting thorns inside our painted with love eyes.

In a status where we are a frozen stars; you have left us, but in higher planes of awareness, there will be a place for our dreams to collide with reality. No place for definitions’ paradoxes, swapping of faces, and suicides left “reason unknown”; we are children of the light, and we are the heirs of the shameless flames you are burning our souls with…

sgayrights@gmail.com

...The Arabic version was published in barra magazine

Who is Nour???

Who is Nour???

I discovered myself to be "Gay" at quite early age, this discovery along with small town environment combined to create a dark depressed state, which drowned me in rivers of questions. I felt all alone; like I am the only one in the world with these kind of emotion, with no resources or knowledge I only experienced what I feel via dreaming.

I wasn't lucky as other gays who lived in big towns, I had no one to talk to which later became an advantage, it made me come out to my family although I had to do it like ten times but it worth it. They took a long time understanding it, until now my mom doesn't fully get it.

I had a troubled childhood and adolescence, I was often bullied and verbally abused, I wasn't strong enough to fight them back, I had small body. This made me shut myself off from the world and start to build my own imaginary castle to shelter me from reality. The university wasn't any better, actually it was worse, I didn't complete my first year at the IT major because of bullying, so I went to "Open Learning Center", because I didn't have to go to campus or deal with any student.

I had lots of free space so I started writing, I wrote my emotions and the world prints in my mind, although my writings sometimes seemed unrealistic, I was pretty happy expressing myself on paper. And then came the fast internet, and then came the blogging trend. I felt so tempted to try it. It then became a part of my daily routine. Later on I was contacted by "Sami Hamwi" – the magazine founder - telling me about a magazine project to support LGBTQs in Syria and ME, I immediately accepted and was very excited about the idea, I already have nothing to risk or lose.

Mawaleh promises a lot and I know it can and it will deliver, with so much to offer for the LGBTQs community I believe it is the right step to start with to having a better perspective on ourselves and our rights…

Written for, and published in Mawaleh magazine English version. read here