A guy from another universe
/Childhood/
It has been a while since I wrote anything readable, or thought straight. Always busy casting away the voices that does not belong inside my head. I have never experienced anything this overwhelming before thoughts, imaginaries, and nightmares all colliding into one entity inside me. Sometimes manifesting in a little child’s face, talks to me, drives me to do things I never possibly could do willingly, however, I am still in control within my mind’s attic, all other rooms were invaded by monsters of all sizes and shapes, lurking around the corners ready to attack.
What happened to me that made me fear myself! I really cannot remember much! All the memories I have now linger at a moment once separated illusions from engulfing my reality.
I was a child, yes, I was, I used to be full of hopes and joyful melodies, the world was my playground and the sky was my favorite plate to draw out my positive energies. I was a different child, often alone at the elementary school, except for a time I remember when a boy from another school transferred to mine. We became mates for a while, and then he transferred to another school. It was my first intellectual experience in school. After this sweet taste of human relation, all I can remember is humiliation and blood. I was often bullied verbally and sometimes, physically; I remember one day fainting at the school’s playground and waking up on the manager’s sofa blooded, he sent me home afterward.
I cleaned up what I possibly could and went back home, where anybody would feel safe it is supposed to be a safe haven, RIGHT! However, not for me. It was like a dungeon and the keeper was my father, at that day he continued what the other kids started. He thought by doing that he would create a “Man” that I will be more butch, act in manly manners – according to his image of male person. To be more like my little brother, his favorite. Well, that did not work out well! I remained the same even became worse; more closed to myself to a point I stopped interacting with my family and at school.
Things were like hell and not going in a good direction, as I passed my elementary school and entered the intermediate stage. I became more aware of myself and my sexual orientation, I couldn’t talk to anyone and I felt far away from them all; my family and alleged friends; I thought that these emotions belong to me and me alone. There is no one else in the whole world that would understand.
Two years passed by and nothing changed; bullying got worse, my family did not do anything – not until later I found out why – I do not want to be dramatic, but my life is like a drama series which bad scenes never stop coming.
One day, I remember it was rainy, fiery, and cozy. There was a movie on TV, cannot recall the title but it included a hazy gay scene, despite all edits, still their looks were so familiar and obvious to me. A bad translation later referred to them later as “unnatural” at that night there was light in my eyes again, there are other entities feel the same as I do, may be more than two or more than I let myself imagine. Some might laugh or accuse me of being a fool, actually, I was. With the absence of reference or a way to communicate with others, how could I possibly know in such small and hostile town environment?
The word “unnatural” became my motto. I felled victim in a propaganda I never knew existed, at 2001 I had my first PC with 56 KB internet connection, I was thrilled and it was a beginning of a new era to me and my knowledge, where my childhood ended and another chapter full of journeys and discoveries began.
